Cyberclippings

7 Jan 2012

January 7th, 5:58pm 0 comments

Finger in Sock: A Machine of Death Story

"The machine had been invented a few years ago: a machine that could tell, from just a sample of your blood, how you were going to die. It didn’t give you the date and it didn’t give you specifics. It just spat out a sliver of paper upon which were printed, in careful block letters, the words DROWNED or CANCER or OLD AGE or CHOKED ON A HANDFUL OF POPCORN. It let people know how they were going to die."

Thus begins the Machine of Death's explanation. Starting from a simple idea in a comic it has attracted a large following. Many stories has been written, a book published, and a contest held for a second volume. The story below was my entry. Close to 3,000 people entered. Though I didn't make the 1% cut for inclusion in volume two, I had a lot of fun writing my story and I hope you enjoy reading it. And now...

FINGER IN SOCK

Img_20111231_160517_10_2012-01-05_22-41-32_202_14_2012-01-06_23-27-06_133

"Over there, in the back." The shopkeeper points then shuffles out of my way. He is short, unshaven, and smells of sour cabbage. His store is a curious mirror image of its owner: small, untidy, and yes, it too smells of cabbage. In the old days, we'd never have installed a machine within ten miles of a hole-in-the-wall hardware store like this. And it certainly wouldn't have been hidden away "in the back."

In the beginning we were proud of our jobs. There were so few machines back then. We were among the only people who were trusted with them.

When I told strangers what I did for a living they were eager to strike up a conversation, as if they were finally going to get the answer that everyone kept asking. "How do the machines work?" Damned if I knew, but I wasn't going to admit that. Besides no one can really explain how a prescient proto-sapient neural network functions.

My job? I repair machines of death, and I'm one of the best.

Always Question Your Assumptions!

During a guided tour of an asylum, a visitor asks the director how he determines whether a patient is crazy or not.

"Simple" replies the director, "we fill a bathtub with water, we give patients the choice of a spoon, a cup, or a bucket, and ask them to empty the bathtub".

"I see!" exclaims the visitor. "So obviously a sane person will choose a bucket!"

"No" says the director, "a sane person pulls the bath plug. Would you like our standard room or one with a view?"

(Hat tips to my father for the joke, and to shell belle for the picture)

14 Nov 2010

November 14th, 4:45pm 2 comments

Yes! Facebook finally implements Hugs!

Well, no, they didn't. Or rather, they haven't... yet.

Most friends' status updates on Facebook are full of good news, fun stuff, and happy events.

Sadly, not this week:

One dear relative is in pain
A former colleague & his wife just lost their baby at 23 weeks
A friend of my wife's family, and father of two young kids, was tragically killed in a car crash

These aren't friends with statuses you can "Like". These are friends in need of a hug. But Facebook doesn't have a "Hug" button :-(

An obvious alternative is to leave a note for friends, expressing sympathy. However when many people have already replied I often find myself reluctant to do so to avoid triggering an email to a dozen people I may not know.

And sometimes it's not easy to find the right words. Often, in these situations actions do speak louder than words, even virtual ones.

So Facebook, please add a Hug button to status updates. A hug is pretty much a universal act of friendship, solidarity, and sympathy. It would be easy to implement and understand. In the few countries where a hug might be culturally inappropriate, it could be replaced with its equivalent.

Personally, I'd love a simple way to say "I feel for you".

(Any resemblance to the real Barack Obama and Mark Zuckerberg is entirely fortuitous :-)

8 Aug 2010

August 8th, 3:43pm 0 comments

Mac in Tosh? No! Dog in Mac!

Apple makes some really cool technology these days. Thanks to Leia for serving as model!

25 Jul 2010

July 25th, 7:52pm 0 comments

iPad AntennaGate

There's been a lot of talk on the net about AntennaGate over the past few weeks: if you hold an iPhone4 the wrong way, it loses signal strength and drops calls. Apple called attention to the fact that other cell phones also suffer from this (much to the annoyance of the other phone makers :-) though the iPhone4 seems to be the worst affected.

But where, in all this, is the iPad? The iPad 3G has an antenna. Does it also suffer from signal attenuation if you hold it "wrong"? No one dared ask the question...

Until now! :-)

In case you're wondering...

- Yes, I know I messed up pronouncing "fanboy", we only did a single ad lib take

- The footage shot on a properly held iPhone4 (thanks Aron!)

- No iPads were harmed in the making of this video

22 Jun 2010

June 22nd, 7:55am 0 comments

Tombraider Remembered

I have very fond memories of Tombraider. It came out in 1996 and was a very refreshing change from the Doom franchise popular at the time. It was 3rd person, focused on exploration just as much as killing monsters, the main character had a much larger range of motion than we were previously used to, and (of course) you got to play a pretty and capable female version of Indiana Jones named Lara Croft. What more could you want? :-)

Giving in to nostalgia, I recently played the Tombraider demo via the excellent DOSBox on my Macbook Pro.

As far as I can tell the game ran flawlessly but, well, sometimes things are best left in the past. The graphics that I remembered so fondly haven't aged well. And even on a powerful new MBP with DOSBox claiming 0 frameskips, the refreshes still left a lot to be desired and sometimes seemed to roll down the screen. I also tried it inside a Parallels VM with the same results.

Still, it was fun to revive Tombraider. If nothing else it enabled me to give my sons a glimpse of the game that inspired many of the ones they play today. Wish someone would refresh the first game, the subsequent versions never measured up to that initial burst of creativity.

20 Jun 2010

June 20th, 8:57am 0 comments

Breaking News: Belgium and Korea to Swap Countries

In what many describe as the most important event since President Bush patted the Queen's bottom at Buckingham Palace, the governments of Belgium, North Korea, and South Korea have reached a tentative agreement to swap countries in 2020. Said Geert Vandermeert, spokesman for the Belgian delegation, "We're very proud of this historic moment of Eurasian harmony". Barely able to contain his excitement, he continued, "Think of all those defenses, mine fields, barbed wire, canons, and guard posts between the two Koreas: perfect for keeping those bloody Walloons out of our half of the country".

For his part South Korean leader Kim Dae Woo was equally bullish, "Moving South Korea to Belgium will really open up markets for our products in Europe. Instead of shipping them half way across the world, our goods will be available to all, we could make Belgium one big electronics store!" North Korean party member Joon Sung Wok was no less ebullient "We understand Belgium has nuclear reactors already producing enough uranium for our mil-, eh, civilian programs. Our dear leader is very excited."

Jean-Marie Lorgnion, a Walloon, was more cautious. "Well, I've always wanted to travel" he admitted, "and I hear it's warmer there than in rainy Belgium. Plus I quite like the food." Fleming Rob DeVertegenaar smiled confidently as he asserted "I've checked it out on Google Earth, that No Man's Land will be perfect for our needs. I can't wait!"

Despite the enthusiasm, significant challenges remain. Opinions are divided on how to handle languages, shop, and street signs. Unsurprisingly, the Belgians are adamant that they need to take all three to their new home. "What's the point of moving half way around the world only to end up speaking the same language? If I refuse to speak French I'm certainly not learning Korean!", exclaimed DeVertegenaar as he carefully packed his street sign away for shipping.

Koreans for their part want to integrate in Europe. "What's the point of going over there and bringing our street signs with us?" Kim Dae Woo countered "No one will be able to understand Korean". "Exactly right" agreed the North's Sung Wok, "Plus we have so few streets shops in the fatherland, not to mentions signs. We could really use the Belgians'".

Another concern is logistics. Swapping four populations is easier said than done. Light on details, the delegations spoke of commandeering ferry boats, planes, and a fleet of custom-built RVs for the exodus. "I hope they avoid rush hour," said Lorgnion, "or there'll be one hell of a traffic jam".

Perhaps the greatest unifying force behind the country swap is the World Cup. Amidst giants such as England, Germany, Italy, Spain, and Slovenia, little Belgium rarely makes it to the competition. "Once we've swapped with Korea, all that will change" stated Vandermeert confidently, "Flanders and even Wallonia will dominate the region. We'll finally be giants!"

Background

My native country, Belgium, is sadly slowly tearing itself apart along linguistic lines. The northern, Dutch-speaking Flemings no longer want a union with their southern, French-speaking cousins the Walloons. This long running enmity grows deeper with each passing election as more and more control is given to separatists who would split the country in two.

This satirical piece was written as homage to The Onion and a commentary on the stupidity of focusing on who speaks what language instead of actually fixing real problems facing our country.

15 Jun 2010

June 15th, 10:29pm 0 comments

The Gashlycrumb Terrors by Laura Pearlman

Love the winner of this year's Movie Plot Threat Contest, security expert Bruce Schneier's attempt to make us realize that we often overreact to highly unlikely scenarios, taking steps that curtail our own freedoms and don't make us any safer.

In Laura's own words "The challenge in this year’s contest was basically to create a story that would frighten small children into obeying their government without question".

A is for anthrax, deadly and white.
B is for burglars who break in at night.
C is for cars that have minds of their own
and accelerate suddenly in a school zone.
D is for dynamite lit with a fuse.
E is for everything we have to lose.
F is for foreigners, different and strange.
G is for gangs and the crimes they arrange.
H is for hand lotion, more than three ounces;
let’s pray some brave agent soon sees it and pounces.
...

Read the rest on Laura's blog.

Well done Laura, hope this does get illustrated!

15 Apr 2006

April 15th, 4:31am 0 comments

What's wrong with my email address?

Sometimes you wonder why a company would make its users jump through hoops just to access its own site...

AT&T bought SBC recently and they emailed me stating that I had to change my username because it didn't meet their "new guidelines"

Hello? How about changing your guidelines instead of making thousands of users update their usernames to remove the '@' symbol? And what does AT&T say will happen if you don't update your username? "If you do not change your User ID by May 11, 2006, you will not be able to sign on using your MySBC.com account. We apologize for any inconvenience." How nice.

Of course, that doesn't matter because I got this message after changing my username:

Sometimes you just can't win :-)

15 Mar 2006

March 15th, 7:45am 0 comments

$880 to fly 12 miles...

When flying, you usually expect to pay more for greater distance. Flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles is a lot cheaper than to Tokyo. However, it seems that there's a point at which you pay more the closer you get... I was on United's site and, just for the hell of it, priced out a flight from Oakland airport to San Francisco. I believe the distance between the two to be roughly 12 miles as the crow, I mean the jet, flies. Those are some very expensive miles, check it out:

The perceptive among you will have noticed that, although the title states "Oakland to San Francisco", the trip details actually have us flying from SFO to Sacramento (yes, that would be a bug). This is much more reasonable, after all SMF is a whopping 80miles away! And I bet they don't even serve drinks :-)

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